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It makes the heart grow fonder….no?

I have plenty of reasons for being absent from my blog… Firstly I lost my voice for a while, not literally but in the blogging sense. That constant voice or commentary that we all I have running through my mind with each action and interaction in this beautiful game called life just went a bit quite. And I noticed it. So I paused. Just as I got to thinking about why, I became busy with work, extremely busy and so I just got on with that.

And then I went through a phase where I couldn’t or didn’t put finger to keyboard because I was too angry! That commentary I mentioned above became an angry voiced one.

It was angry at things going on around me, things going on in the world, angry at the seemingly casual and ever more common disrespecting of women, black women, all women, by men, in the media (yeah like I said, by men) and by people pretending to be men. I also became angry at women, women picking over and tearing down other women, in my social circles, in my social media circles and even more disappointingly within my professional circles *sighs*

I didn’t want to/couldn’t blog in the midst of all these things because… *shrugs* I mean, just because… it threw me off… It wasn’t what I wanted to say, although it was what it was. It was also a lot to process and so a lot of it I internalised. I spoke only to the commentary (sounds better than admitting I was talking to myself!!) asked questions and tried to work out my own answers.

Anyway so I took myself on a journey back recently; I thought about the time when my innervoice became quiet and thought about the questions and more importantly the answers I had come up with.

I realised that when my inner-voice had become muted it was at a time when I found myself on auto-pilot. It was at a time when I was just going through the motions: work, home, admin, work, family, work, work, home, work. Two things were abundantly clear to me on reflection, firstly that monotony dulls my senses and secondly that I need(ed) to inject a bit more variety, more activity, more spontaneity even, into my day to day.

I also thought about my inner anger and found that in a nutshell its cause was the same; it was because I wasn’t doing enough. I realised that my anger was a symptom caused by my own apathy and inactivity in the face of things that had pi**ed me off, troubled me, cried out to me for challange but that I had ignored, or at least I thought I had. And so I decided that I need to do more, react more, challenge and try to change more, and where I can’t make a change, well then I need to let go more.

Lastly I thought about my busy stage(s) and why it felt like I wasn’t able to juggle anything but work in those stages. (Don’t they say all work and no play makes Jack a dull boy? Well just call me Jack.) Again the answer was the same: change and more. Change my work practices, more doing, less procrastination (easier said than done I know!).

So there it is, a perhaps seemingly pointless walk through the reasons for my absence but nonetheless, the reasons for my absence.

*drops mic and exits blog-stage left*

Always, Bougie.

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